I don’t know about anyone else, but surviving the first six weeks of motherhood has felt like a huge accomplishment. There is absolutely nothing in life that prepares you for this; there’s no rule book, no “right” way, and definitely no expectations. It has been a wild ride thus far, but worth every minute.
The first 24 hours at home was scary. Did anyone’s baby come home with a rule book or instructions? Because, mine didn’t… You think you’re prepared after so many months of being pregnant, and in our case, so many months of trying to get pregnant. There was so much we weren’t prepared for. Let’s talk sleep. Not my sleep, Kinsley’s sleep. Where should she sleep? How should she sleep? How in the world am I supposed to sleep and know for sure she is still breathing and alive? Should Kyle and I take turns “on watch” throughout the night? Should I just always pull all nighters and stare at her? What if she rolls on her side? What if she spits up…she is a “spitty” baby. What if her swaddle covers her nose?
Seriously. You may be nodding your head right now because you get it. Or, you may be thinking I am completely crazy and out of my mind. I think both thoughts are correct. But those were the thoughts and words that came out of my mouth that very first night as tears streamed down my face. I was so scared and worried. Who said it was a good idea for me to do this mom thing?! Ha! Needless to say, we ALL survived (after making a couple phone calls to friends and family asking for advice and reassurance) and Kinsley woke up every 3 hours for her feedings and was a happy little girl.
Some of the greatest moments have been all the snuggles, bath time, tummy time, and just watching her grow. The way she identifies voices and faces is adorable and I could just stare at her cute chubby cheeks all day. I mean, really, that’s what I do all day. My schedule and my world literally revolves around her right now and although at times it gets exhausting, it’s incredible. There is nothing like the love I feel for her. It’s like I’ve developed an entirely new heart because she sucks up that much love.
Now, don’t get me wrong, motherhood is amazing. But it is HARD. It’s honesly the hardest job I have ever done, and I’ve had some tough jobs in my life. The hardest part for me is not knowing (and if you’ve been following my TTC journey- I’m sure this sounds familiar). Kinsley has colic and we are currently trying to figure out the cause. Is it acid reflux, stomach gas, dairy intolerance? Who knows. We are going through some trial and error stuff currently.
But it’s hard. It’s stressful. It’s defeating. Not being able to console my baby when she is crying is one of the worst feelings in the world. It makes you feel like such a failure. The things getting me through are reminders that this is temporary, and help from Kyle and my parents. I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to ask for help and it doesn’t make me a bad mom.
Through all these ups and downs, there is nothing better than looking at Kins and seeing her look back at me. It reminds me that she needs me. She needs me to be well-rested. She needs me to be positive. She needs me to be strong. And it’s all worth every. single. second.