I don’t often find myself avoiding and procrastinating on doing things I love most. In this case, I mean writing. However, it has taken me nearly 2 weeks to get up the courage and face reality on this one, and I think that’s okay. I am beginning to accept that some situations will just be much harder than others and I won’t always deal with the hard ones head-on.
Last week was my due date. I opened an app I was using to track my cycle for the first time since my pregnancy loss, not even thinking that it would still be tracking my pregnancy from June. But it was. As soon as the app opened, it said “Congratulations! You’ve made it to 40 weeks. Today is your due date!” And then my heart broke all over again. It was like I blacked out in that moment.
As I am sitting here typing, I would have had a newborn baby by my side napping away. My life would be so incredibly different than it is right this second. To think of this brings so many mixed emotions. I would have been a mom (to more than just my fur-baby). I would be able to hear his cry, feel his touch, hold his body, and be his mom. It’s crazy to think about, especially because it just wasn’t in my plan and on my path.
I’ll admit. There’s an emptiness in my heart because of my pregnancy loss and I don’t ever expect that to change or disappear. Honestly, I wouldn’t want it to. It hits me randomly, but especially on important dates (like this one) or during holidays and events that I would have wanted to share with him. It’s even harder to go through those times as though everything is okay and put that happy face on. No, I don’t think I have to deal with it this way, but I do for the sake of everyone around me. That’s how I deal with things.
When I sit here and think about our little [guy] in heaven, I smile. That’s a huge accomplishment, I think. I smile because I know he is safe and sound and is looking down on us as we pray and try again. I smile because I love him although I hadn’t even gotten the opportunity to see him, touch him, meet him, or hear him. I am able to place my focus on the positivity he has brought into my life. Knowing that I have been given this incredible opportunity to share our story and our experience to help others is another thing that allows me to smile during this time. He is the reason that other women facing pregnancy loss don’t have to feel alone.
I am embracing life with a new perspective because of him and am so grateful for that. Although I don’t have my baby beside me physically, I believe I have him beside me in spirit. Hope and faith have been strong enough to get me this far and I know it will be strong enough to carry me through… all thanks to those tiny footprints that only ever got to leave an imprint on our hearts. Happy Due Date, little one.