There’s nothing worse for me than a new month starting. Each time we come to a new month, it’s just a reminder about what my life would have been like if I hadn’t experienced my pregnancy loss. It brings me to a place outside of my current reality that is filled with excitement and curiosity. It’s like a rubber band snaps against my skin to bring me back to reality and remind me of the sadness and disappointment I faced. It never fails. Every. Month.
When February began (just a short 8 days ago), my mind drifted to a huge, potentially uncomfortable belly that hid my feet from my own view. I thought about how my baby would be about the size of a cabbage, how his/her brain would be developing at such a rapid pace, how he/she could see and hear, and even how I would lay on my couch at night and enjoy the kicking and moving happening inside my own body. All of this obviously comes from things I’ve read and friends/family members of mine that have shared their pregnancy experiences with me. I don’t know the reality of it all, but does that even matter when you’re just in your head living out an unrealistic experience? I don’t think so.
I can’t help but get sad when I snap out of it all. I mean, I am sad that my baby never got the opportunity to grow, see, hear, kick, and move. My baby never got the opportunity to live. My husband and I never got the opportunity to physically feel or see our baby before we lost him. That’s what makes me sad.
It isn’t about me NOT being pregnant.
It isn’t about other people being pregnant.
It isn’t about me wanting kids and it just not being in the cards in this moment.
It IS all about how my baby didn’t get life.
Now, I feel as though I have been doing really well mentally and emotionally with my pregnancy loss and moving forward with TTC, but I still have random moments. I am not sure how long these random moments will be a part of me, but I just try to embrace them. I have learned that holding them in and holding them back makes them worse. Healing is hard and grieving is so necessary. I have learned that, too. Although I feel blessed to have grown through this experience, I also hate it. Seriously, it’s a love-hate thing. Anyone else feel me?
I know next month (what would have been my due date) is going to be extremely difficult and trying. I want to be prepared for it; I want to be prepared to cry, prepared to remember, prepared to be angry, and prepared to be sad. I have noticed that when I can prepare myself (well, as much as possible), it becomes something that comes and goes smoothly. I will always remember him and I know that this experience has helped me grow in a number of ways. I am grateful that when I am 8 months pregnant in reality, I will have all of this knowledge and this experience to fall back on to simply embrace life and everything it has to offer me in the future.
Cheers to continuing to move forward, and always remembering!