At this moment, it has been a little over 5 months since my pregnancy loss. I was given a 6 month prescription to my birth control and just recently picked up my last month supply. Naturally, my mind has been filled with thoughts about trying again. What does that even mean? Where do I even start? How do I even feel about it?
I have always been so scared of failure that I work myself to the core in order to not fail. I grew up competing as an
equestrian and so I feel as though I owe my determination to my past horses, and my trainer (yeah SME, that’s you ;)). Everytime I fell off, forgot my course, or had a “blonde moment” in the arena, my trainer always encouraged me to laugh it off and just try again. When I think of those moments, I think about what I always fell back on- my horse. He (whether it was Spider, Checkers, or Bailey) was always there to make me look better than I felt inside; to give me the confidence I strive to have every day.
The reason I am telling y’all this is because that’s what this TTC journey is reminding me of.
I fell off. I got lost in the area. I became consumed with my own thoughts in my head. But I am determined.
Now it’s time for me to try again. Truthfully, I have insane mixed feelings about this. I hope it’s normal…I’m not actually sure. If you’ve been at the “trying again” stage, or know someone who has, please enlighten me. I so desperately need some feedback on this; are my feelings normal?
An ectopic pregnancy can cause scarring in your fallopian tube (if it wasn’t removed, which is my situation). I almost picture a little divit in my tube that another embryo could easily find and make its “bed” in there again. Unfortunately, this means I have a much higher chance of an ectopic pregnancy happening again; about a 1 in 10 chance at this point. But that’s not even what I’m most nervous about currently (maybe I will fear this a little more after I get a positive test, who knows).
I am more nervous about the disappointment. The amount of heartache that comes with getting negative pregnancy tests over and over again is what’s really scary to me. I don’t want to feel defeated again similarly to when I first began my TTC journey.
On the other hand, I think about my chances of starting a family and making my husband a dad (because he is seriously so amazing and so ready- hence the photo, haha!) and I am giddy with excitement. I know it will happen one day because I am determined, but now it’s becoming more real again, just like after we got back from our honeymoon.
I strive to keep the positivity and confidence during this process. I am trying to focus solely on this idea of “having a family will happen for me.” How can I do that and avoid the possible disappointment? Should I just start expecting to be disappointed- because I feel like that is totally being a Negative Nancy, and I’m not about that, ha! Luckily, I have a few more weeks to prepare myself, so please share your experience with me. I’d love to be as mentally and emotionally prepared for this next journey as I can.