Today marks 2 years. 2 years of questioning. 2 years of anxiety. 2 years of uncertainty. 2 years of grieving. 2 years of changes.
Waking up today and remembering, reliving, and rereading my entries about my experience is hard. But, I need it. It’s what helps me get through. I have worked these past two years to try forgiving myself for blaming myself for an unsuccessful pregnancy and I feel like I have gotten really far in that journey. The one thing I want to work on is opening up about those feelings again. I have noticed that it’s gotten a little more difficult for me at this point because I do have a happy, healthy, perfect baby in my life currently. Therefore, I feel guilty about still having feelings of sadness and disappointment in myself. It’s a tough battle, but I’m working through it, internally.
Today, I remember. I remember my gut feeling as my husband and I were driving into the city for a fun day out with my family. I remember knowing that something was wrong, and that something was with the baby. I remember crying to my sister-in-law in a public restroom because no one (except for my husband) knew I was even pregnant. I remember feeling guilty for “ruining” a day with my family. I remember the long car ride to the ER, the painful examinations, and the dreaded (mis)diagnosis. Not just remembering, but remembering like it was yesterday. My fear, sick-to-my-stomach feeling, and sadness is still so close to my heart.
I’m not sure if that will ever go away and become easier to recall, but either way, I think it’s healthiest for me to live it, feel it, and just be. Every single day I wake up grateful, happy, and feeling so incredibly blessed that my wakeup call is from a little girl named Kinsley; a little girl who I created with my husband and is mine. I did the same thing at 6am today. No different. But as she naps today, I am taking the time to relive and feel what I need to in order to be the happy, healthy mama that my girl deserves.
One thing is for sure, there are brighter days after the most difficult. My brighter days are because of my healing, because of my experience, because of my family and friends, and most of all because of Kinsley. We have the best little guardian angel baby and I just know he is watching over his little sister, mama, and daddy.
Time can only do so much in my healing process, but the best piece of advice I think I could give anyone dealing with a pregnancy loss is to embrace your feelings and emotions through your never-ending journey. Do things that make you happy and that help you find peace- mine was journaling and writing. Surround yourself with positivity and uplifting people who truly care about you. It gets better. Believe in the path God has made for you and embrace it. Throw away your timeline and your “plan” and let life take you where you’re supposed to go. Stay strong, but allow yourself grace in your moments of weakness; remember you are human.
Today, just like every day, I am grateful & blessed, but still allow myself to grieve and remember July 9, 2017 like it was yesterday.