If you’ve been following my journey, then you know that I have had to climb several mountains to celebrate a Mother’s Day with my baby in my arms and before my eyes. But as I sit here and reflect on what my “first” Mother’s Day means to me, I can’t help but take myself back to last year, and the year before that and think of all the women in the world who are currently feeling those feelings that I once felt.
Growing up, and really my entire life, I looked at Mother’s Day as a special day to remind my mom how amazing she is, because honestly, I don’t do it enough. I have had the privilege of leaning on my mom for nearly everything; stain removal tricks, dog-sitting, cleaning hacks, laundry, advice, recipes, and even killing insects in my own home…I mean, EVERYTHING. The woman is a saint. My goal is to be half the women and mother she is when “I grow up.”
With that said, I never really thought about what Mother’s Day would be like when I took that title, until I was struggling with TTC.
On Mother’s Day of 2017, my husband and I were trying to conceive and had been at that point for nearly 9 months. It seemed like everyone around us was pregnant or having babies, but my dream to become a mom was so far-fetched. Social media was hard. It was hard seeing everyone posting about it being their first Mother’s Day or just what their husbands and kids were gifting them for Mother’s Day in general; truthfully, I had a really hard time with it. There was no rhyme or medical reason that I was unable to get pregnant, so nothing was making sense to me. I had this anger and animosity in me that went on a “block from newsfeed” rampage to make myself feel better.
What I didn’t understand back then is how many other people were also feeling these feelings; how so many other women were struggling to get through on Mother’s Day as well. I wasn’t alone, ever. I was never in the “worst” position possible and needed to realize that things could always be worse in my situation. Focusing on the positive (being a fur-momma and loving on all the wonderful mommas, especially mine), is where all my energy should have gone instead.
Things were much different on Mother’s Day of 2018 because I was pregnant with Kinsley. However, 10 months prior, I experienced my pregnancy loss, as well as just received some scary news about my current pregnancy. It was a whole new ballgame, but still a tough one. I wasn’t sure if I considered myself a mom because of my pregnancy loss and [what I felt like] my inability to have a healthy pregnancy. I kept thinking back to that baby I recently lost and what my Mother’s Day would have looked like if he were here to celebrate with me. I kept thinking about how I had already failed so much as a mother that I shouldn’t be allowed to celebrate. Once again, this year was tough, but it all could have been worse.
Luckily, I realized how much I was willing to sacrifice and do to become a mom. I realized that I do deserve to call myself a mom because in my eyes, a mom is someone who shines light in the darkest moments for her children and is willing to do anything and everything they need to be healthy. I did that. I tried my hardest to conceive and sustain a healthy pregnancy, but it just wasn’t in the cards in 2017. In 2018, God gave me a different scenario; he gave me a difficult scenario, but with a much happier outcome. And for that, I am forever grateful.
My point here is that although I am fortunate enough to celebrate a Mother’s Day with my sweet rainbow baby in my arms, my heart and mind is still with all those mommas struggling to conceive, and struggling with grieving their babies after loss, and struggling with the reality that they may never be able to carry their own child, and struggling with the thought that their time-clock is ticking and struggling with the fears of carrying a child. Feel your feelings, all of them. I hear you today and am praying and sending my love and strength to each and every one of you. You may not understand it now, because I sure didn’t in that moment, but God does have a plan for each of us. We will never know the why, but He chose women to bear children for several reasons, one being because of our strength. Never forget that.
Happy Mother’s Day!