As much as I preach about staying positive and hopeful, well…because I truly believe that’s what makes difficult circumstances more manageable, I don’t want y’all to think that I am always bubbly, positive, and hopeful. It’s just not reality. I’ve had some pretty dark moments through all of the waiting and bad news we kept getting from doctors and test results prior to our amnio and echo.
From the moment I got pregnant until week 20, I refer to that part of my pregnancy as my “pregnancy avoidance,” or “pregnancy denial” phase. One thing I have recently realized in life’s adventures is that you’re never alone. I know that I am not the only one in this world that has felt the need to avoid thinking, talking, and celebrating a pregnancy because of fear. My fear lead me to a weird place mentally and emotionally. Honestly, I go back and forth all the time on regretting and forgiving myself for doing it because I’ve been on such a crazy roller coaster these past 6 months.
The moment we found out I was pregnant (back in February), we were so excited (exactly what I shared HERE). But at the back of my mind, I was so scared. I was scared to be excited and celebrate or think ANYTHING baby-mommy-pregnancy related. Because of my last experience, I kept asking myself how I knew this would be any different and I needed so much reassurance from doctors and the people around me to feel okay about it. As soon as I felt good about one thing, another thing came up to make me feel uneasy again. It was really tough.
Things like doing a pregnancy announcement, a gender reveal, and even wearing tighter clothing as I began to show was so difficult for me. I would set dates for announcements and reveals and somehow manage to get some kind of unsettling news about Baby K the day before and cancel all plans. My mom would go out and buy a cute headband or outfit for Baby K and I didn’t even want her to show it to me. I just wanted to avoid those things.
I was scared. I was scared of getting too attached to this little girl and having that life ripped away from me because of one factor or another. Until we went through all the testing and got back all of the results, I just didn’t feel comfortable with preparing for Baby K.
Week 20 was a big milestone for myself and Baby K and all that fear and worry just left me. I started on her nursery, I announced the pregnancy and gender, and simply felt this wave of excitement (and slight panic since ½ of this pregnancy was said and done). It was such a good feeling.
The greatest lesson I have learned from reflecting on this is that you are allowed to go at your own pace and not feel guilty. You need to do what makes YOU comfortable and not what other people think or want you to do. You will get to where you want to be, especially if you do it in a healthy way. Knowing your limits, taking your time, and working hard to stay positive is so important.
Today, I am 28 weeks & 3 days and in my THIRD trimester. WHAT?! Where did time go?! Although we are not completely “in the clear,” I am embracing every ounce of positive news, all the doctors appointments where I get to see her, and every moment I can. It has been quite the journey and I just can’t wait to meet our baby girl!